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I Belong

Review: My Favorite Fangs by Alan Goldsher

Title: My Favorite Fangs: The Story of the von Trapp Family Vampires

Author: Alan Goldsher

Genre: Paranormal Fiction

Series: N/A

Publication Date: August 7, 2012

Format: Paperback, 304 Pages

ISBN-10: 031264020X (St. Martin’s Griffin)

ISBN-13: 978-0312640200 (St. Martin’s Griffin)

Reviewed by: Michelle


Maria von Trapp is sweet, innocent, and can sing like an angel. Oh, and she’s also a bloodthirsty vampire. When Maria is kicked out of the Abbey where she’s been residing for the past thousand or so years, she lands a job caretaking the family von Trapp, a rowdy clan in need of some serious discipline… or vampirification. After Maria turns the von Trapp children into children of the night and marries the von Trapp patriarch, the family seems destined for eternal (really, really eternal) bliss.

But Hitler’s Undeath Squads are on the march, intent on ridding Europe of bloodsuckers. And Maria will have to do everything in her power—supernatural or otherwise —to save her vampire brood. In the open vein of Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter, Alan Goldsher’s My Favorite Fangs is a hilarious horror novel that will have readers screaming, ”Do Re Mi.” Or just plain screaming.

Quick & Dirty: A quirky twist on The Sound of Music, but wished it was a little more tame.

Opening Sentence: Housed on what the majority of Austrians agreed was the most rancid corner in Salzburg, the nameless Abbey was an eyesore, so painful to look at that nobody looked at it.


The Review:

My Favorite Fangs is a quirky twist of The Sound of Music, by Alan Goldsher. I was really curious about the story behind the cover, only because The Sound of Music is a childhood staple of mine. The concept of vampire Von Trapps? Count me in!

Maria has lived a long life in Austria, living in the Abbey of the Dead, with her fellow sisters. Unfortunately, Mother Zombie (Superior) has had enough of Maria’s crazy quirks and antics and has wanted to banish her from the abbey. Well, I wouldn’t just call them crazy quirks, she is oversexed and clearly does not behave as the other immortals. Mother Zombie has sent out Maria to become a governess. To match Maria’s personality, she will govern the Von Trapp family, who have their own interesting set of personalities.

The Von Trapps are wealthy, spoiled, and unruly, and I think those were their best qualities. Things get out of hand and Maria turns one of the Von Trapp children into a vampire, and the fun begins. Lady Barroness makes an appearance, and has quickly become enemies with Maria. Goldsher added a lot of his own individuality into My Favorite Fangs, and this version is definitely for the more adult crowd.

Maria the vampire version is a little different from the pop culture Maria that I grew up with. Unfortunately, I was constantly comparing the two. This Maria was blunt and without shame, overly sexed and nothing like a saint. She was witty and someone you do not want to get on their bad side. Her arguments, well that’s a tame word for it, with Lady Baroness was hilarious.

I wasn’t connected to a lot of the characters and I felt that I should have been. I didn’t connect to the Baron, first of all. He wasn’t charming or even someone that I would pretend to like. I didn’t understand the attraction that Maria and the Lady Baroness had for him. The children were amusing, but I didn’t care for them as much as I should have. Which is too bad. I felt that they were too spoiled, but I think that was the point.

Goldsher definitely put his own spin into this ever so popular culture story. He creates this world that is so different from its former self, yet he makes sure to include the familiar and important pieces. Unfortunately, while some scenes were amazing and exciting, I felt that others were not and fell short. There were scenes that I found myself skimming through. I wasn’t connected to a lot of the characters and I felt that I should have been.

Goldsher spared no expense when it came to the dialogue. I felt that Maria and the characters had a more adult vocabulary, and while at times I felt that it was a little too much, other times it was perfect and entertaining. There are so many jokes within the story, many referencing its story counterpart.

Notable Scene:

After the Captain was out of earshot, Maria – aware she had to gain control of these brats right away – snarled, “Alright, children, there’s a new sheriff in town, and her name is Maria.”

Louisa asked, “What’s a sheriff, Governess?”

“Crack a dictionary, blondie. Now here is the deal: My word is law. When I saw frog, you jump. If I tell you to eat mud, you’ll ask for seconds. Is that clear?”

The brats belted with a barrage of schiesses and ficks.

FTC Advisory: St. Martin’s Griffin/Macmillan provided me with a copy of My Favorite Fangs. No goody bags, sponsorships, “material connections,” or bribes were exchanged for my review.

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